I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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