i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
