I accidentally had phone sex last night
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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