just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
