He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
