i can't believe i had my finger in that
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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