he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
