Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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