I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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