Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
