I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
