At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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