i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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