ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
