i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
