insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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