She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
pray to the hookup gods
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
