If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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