i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
