Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
