Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
