On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
