I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
