My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
