My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So squirting runs in the family.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
