The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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