the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
