would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
