O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
