That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
