Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
