if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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