It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
