you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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