1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
