Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Randomize
