3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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