Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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