Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
