apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
