ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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