When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
