he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
