nut hugger
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
two words: eviction party
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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