apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
