maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
