So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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