If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
