Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize