Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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