the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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