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i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
