So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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