Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
