so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
two words...techno handjob
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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