Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
