he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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