im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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